My partner insults me when he gets angry, what can I do: There are couples who, when they lose their cool during an argument, end up insulting the other and disqualifying him in a painful way. How to act?

It is very possible that many of us have seen ourselves in this situation. The one in which, in the middle of an argument, the other person suddenly gives us a series of disqualifications as harmful as they are offensive. It is then that we remain surprised and affected by this type of violent communication that hurts and leaves a mark.

The most striking thing is that after that moment of disagreement and effusiveness, they do not hesitate to ask us for forgiveness. They remind us how much they love us and that these words were not serious, that they have been a consequence of the moment. And yet, that experience repeats itself over and over again. So the loss of respect becomes a habit.

As disconcerting as it may seem to us, there are many who deal with this type of experience. Those in which, as soon as a disagreement or an argument arises over any insignificance, words of contempt, labels, insults emerge… What to do in the face of this dynamic of disrespect?

Even if our partner loves us, if they disrespect us, it is not a healthy relationship.

Insults are part of violent communication and it is something that we cannot allow.

Why does he do this?

Respect in the couple is a psychological attitude that implies a clear will not to harm the other. Furthermore, above all else, it seeks to promote growth, the affection that nurtures, the attention that validates, and the affection that enriches. Such behavior leaves no room for abuse in any of its types, including violent communication.

Therefore, we must be clear that if our partner insults us in the middle of an argument, they are engaging in abusive behavior. You are using a type of aggressive language and, as such, it is a form of abuse. Respect does not allow these situations, much less those practices that generate suffering for those who love.

Research from Case Western Reserve University indicates something important. The insult is part of emotional abuse since it is clear verbal aggression aimed at ridicule or degradation. Also, this practice is more common in younger generations.

Far from seeing it as something normal or permissible, it is necessary to see it for what it is: a clear form of abuse and an attack on the relationship itself.

Reasons why insults are used in discussions

If my partner insults me when he gets angry, the first thing I think is that he has lost control. It is true that the lack of impulse mastery could be a factor. However, there are deeper reasons. Many people have the use of insult integrated into their mental and communicative narrative.

Violent communication does not arise unexpectedly, it is a pattern that is often inherited in childhood and in family dynamics. We learn to communicate at home and what we see is what we normalize and repeat.

One may know that such words cause harm, but when control is lost and anger or frustration grips an argument, it is common for them to appear.

Types of insults in violent communication

Insults in relationships are present in many ways. Sometimes they can be so subtle that the other person may not care at first. Confusing verbal aggression with the classic “ironic-burlesque-affectionate” comment is very common. Although in the end, as it is repeated, the damage is more than evident.

These would be some manifestations of that aggressive communication:

  • Ridicule the partner and embarrass them, both privately and publicly.
  • Despise and demean her.
  • Use sarcasm to insult.
  • Direct and rude insults.

Sometimes, even if the direct insult is not used, the person may use aggressive non-verbal language, such as making an unpleasant gesture with the hand or face or even pointing with the index finger in an expression of dominance and control.

Insults are a lack of respect, and if we allow these dynamics, we will be giving in to other equally harmful practices.

How do act in these situations?

There are many people who allow aggressive communication to the point of normalizing it. So much so that it is common to even see couples in which both insult each other equally. It’s not the right thing. It is not healthy or permissible. Because in general, emotional abuse also leaves room for other forms of aggression, for other dynamics that are just as harmful, such as manipulation, jealousy, the need for control, etc.

We must understand that lack of respect dehumanizes us and is a reality that should never have a place in a relationship. We cannot tolerate it and therefore, it is necessary to act.

Sometimes it happens after being disrespectful we do not like to talk and do not talk for a few days, but one should start taking by saying good morning and It will or should not happen again. As there has been love between them. 

If we live with someone who resorts to insult and contempt, we must demand changes. We must act before the first disqualification, making clear the impact that this gesture has on us. We cannot allow it and we will ask the other person to change violent communication for assertive communication.

  • It is necessary for our partners to learn to regulate their emotions and impulses.
  • Also that it is enabled in a better communicative style. For this reason, and more so in these cases, it is advisable to go to psychological therapy.

Finally, if we do not see any signs of change and the communication continues to be violent, harmful, and offensive, we must make a decision. No one deserves to be talked down to.

Love does not hurt, it does not denigrate with the word and, if this is what we receive daily, let us remember that loneliness will always be preferable to a company that hurts us.

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